Anatomy of An IB Student

Anatomy of An IB Student

THE IDEAL IB Student

THE IDEAL IB Student
More to come...

Thursday, April 10, 2008

The IB Checklist

Read items. Check off all that apply. Wait a month. Repeat and compare until: A. all items are checked; B. you graduate/quit IB; C. die; or D. are pulled from the Matrix; whichever comes first -

You know you are an IB Student when -

  • Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you get some sleep.
  • You can achieve a Runner's High by sitting up.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
  • The Sun is too loud.
  • Trees begin threatening you.
  • You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
  • While writing a TOK paper, you begin to actually understand the material.
  • You explore the possibility of setting up an IV drip of espresso.
  • You wonder if brewing is an essential step in the consumption of coffee.
  • Things become "Very Clear".
  • You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.
  • You believe that if you think hard enough, you can levitate.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
  • You heart beats in 7/8 time.
  • David Lynch comes and says: "Hey, can I film you?"
  • You and Reality file for divorce.
  • It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
  • You have great revelations concerning Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow fades, leaving you more confused than before.
  • Antacid tablets and No-Doze become your sole source of nutrition.
  • You discover the aesthetic beauty of school supplies.
  • You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row about it, lose, and refuse to talk to yourself for the rest of the day.
  • You yell: "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you're the only person in the room.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
  • Five words: "WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?!?!?!?!?"
  • You can spell "Baccalaureate".
  • "I.B., therefore I B.S."
  • "IB has an honor code?!?!"
  • "Friends" and "fellow IBers" are interchangeable.
  • You go to bed at 3AM and think, "Oh, it's an early night!"
  • Your favorite saying is "If I get a hundred on every test for the rest of the year..."
  • Social life? What's that?
  • You've fooled yourself into believing that colleges actually care whether you're in IB or not.
  • You try to wake up fast enough to catch yourself sleeping - and succeed.
  • You talk to yourself in the 3rd person.
  • You write sentences on multiple choice tests.
  • It's okay to fail, so long as you are not alone.
  • You frequently catch yourself saying "What?? We had homework??"
  • You don't drink, but you find it a convenient way to explain how you dressed yourself in the morning.
  • ou start walking in geometric circles
  • you start analyzing random books, song lyrics, and street signs
  • a good night's sleep is 5 hours
  • you have made up complicated metaphors relating your love life to a card game and have fun doing it
  • 16+2= ...wait let me get my graphing calculator!
  • the urge to shout "Sir, yes sir" overwhelms you and...you do it
  • the idea of "getting off on tangents" is hilariously funny
  • the word "switzerlish" makes more sense then "swiss"
  • the word "conspiricized" makes more sense that "conspired"... and then it takes you a couple of tries to get it right.
  • you have the whole jargon file memorized, and cite it WAY too often
  • when you find mistakes in the yearbook you have to write the correction in every yearbook
  • you labor under the impression that index cards are "handy dandy nifty difty"
  • you get high off of intellectualism (credit Sheryl Crow...)
  • you logically investigate the mystical powers of the phrase "wouldn't it be funny if..."
  • you find deep meaning in the words to "I Wanna Be Sedated "
  • you don't speak French, yet you compile a list of insults in French
  • when reading "Les Mis." in French you spend the entire class period figuring out how to say "is that a loaf of bread in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" en Français
  • you spell "am" wrong
  • it takes you 3 days to get this joke:
  • A: you know what?
  • B: no, introduce me.
  • you write stories and give them to other people to analyze for you because you don't understand them
  • you were a pair of antennae (deedleyboppers) on your head and think you're a water molecule
  • you get brownie points with your chemistry teacher for the above
  • you forget the meaning of the words "free time" yet remember the meaning of "mantic" (n. )
  • you have complicated dreams about graphing circles and ellipses
  • you start a Scrabble Club. wait...that's a bad thing?
  • Feudal War is the only card game worthy of IBers
  • You walk in the movement patterns of a knight to improve your chess strategy while you nap on your way to your next class.
  • you have theological discussions at parties
  • you have theoretical physics discussions at parties
  • the number on your screen name corresponds to the page number that character you use for your screen name has an appearance in the book you got it from
  • you understand above the first time you read it
  • whenever you're watching a movie you find all the motifs and themes...without trying
  • you start to laugh hysterically when you're writing a bibliography because a book has TWO authors
  • you find juxtaposition in places you shouldn't be looking for it
  • you spend all your time complaining about your work, then do it hurriedly because you want to get to bed and don't know where all the time went
  • you brag that you only got 2 hours of sleep last night
  • you have Amsco parties
  • you write a two page answer to a one sentence question
  • you look forward to arguing
  • you enjoy complaining and scaring underclassmen (yeah, and they gave us 500 pages of History, but I managed to do that even though my back is now permanently damaged by the weight of my backpack, and the track bugs almost got me so I was exhausted from running... etc.)
  • you have no idea who the drug dealers are
  • you consider sweet tarts, chocolate, and caffeine drugs (so actually, you DO know who the drug dealers are, in a way...)
  • you love telling your boyfriend/girlfriend the story your math teacher told you
  • you give out fliers announcing that you're going to the movies
  • movies??? What are they???
  • when writing down decimals, you don't understand why you can't write them to the 14th decimal place
  • you feel sorry for the chemicals in chemistry class
  • your math teacher is telling you a story and you say "that could never happen, the light bulb would burn out" and it MAKES SENSE
  • this number means something: 42
  • your brain is such a pile of mush that you carry around a teddy bear so you don't start shaking in the middle of class
  • you are already planning where your lockers will be next year
  • at least 4 of your classes (history, english, ToK, psychology) are talking about almost the same thing, or at least you think they are ...it could be an illusion...maybe you're not in class at all...
  • 7 classes means seven classes
  • the longest you can go without caffeine is less than 6 hours...okay, okay, less than 2 hours
  • you faithfully copy words without vowels in them, yet somehow understand them
  • you still don't have a schedule after a week of school
  • your teachers taunt each other and/or hit themselves on the head with markers or water bottles
  • it's TWICE as amusing to have TWO of SOMETHING than one of it
  • it's THREE times as amusing to have THREE of SOMETHING (julie...!)
  • the wall really IS there! (Mr. Baron PROVED it...CLUNK!)
  • rolling down hills is an appropriate math project
  • you start overanalyzing the rainbows on people's clothing
  • you write a newsletter half in Latin
  • your Physics teacher knows how to say "outstanding" in over 30 languages, yet chooses"cool beans!"
  • you need a graphing calculator to bake
  • you're disappointed when you only get 100% on a test
  • you're smarter than all your teachers...no, that just means you're in public school
  • you relax vicariously through your non-IB friends (what non-IB friends???)
  • you forget to breathe
  • you realize the IB drop outs are smarter than you are (they are???)
  • you utilize semi-advanced computer technology to make stupid web pages like this one!
  • writing poetry is your idea of a good time
  • it takes too long so you write a program to generate intelligible haikus and win a programming challenge on dotcomma
  • you have a better love life on the computer than in real life (no,that just means you're more (technologically) intelligent than most people)
  • this number means something to you...something you haven't followed up on yet: 69
  • you write parodies of Faulkner's work for fun
  • you attempt to do your extended essay on Dr. Seuss
  • your idea of a 3am party game is analyzing the socio-political commentary in Dr. Seuss
  • you complain about studying for your foreign language exam...in multiple foreign languages
  • you have a thought, and it hurts.
  • you have a hurt, and it thinks.
  • your main addiction is to sleep...and you're always experiencing withdrawal.
  • you get angry at someone for being late so you can't copy their homework.
  • your backpack is heavier than you are.
  • you realize that something is missing when your backpack feels too light.
  • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
  • you complain that you can't store notes on your graphing calculator for the IB English exam.
  • you get a smug satisfaction out of f-f-f-finally remembering the word "fovea" (or f-f-f-forgetting "Fundamental Laws")
  • you use logic to justify the color of your nail polish.
  • you can't enjoy a heart-warming cartoon because the French grammar is wrong.
  • the most peer pressure you have recently experienced is someone trying to get you to eat potato chips.
  • You overanalyze They Might Be Giants songs
  • Your favorite song is Barenaked Ladies’ "Who Needs Sleep" (or is it your anthem?)
  • Top 10 reasons to be an IB Diploma Candidate:

    • 10) I want to conform to an international standard of educational excellence.
    • 9) I want to be surrounded by other intelligent, dedicated students.
    • 8) I want to work extremely hard.
    • 7) I want to sacrifice almost all of my time to studying.
    • 6) I want my class rank to be as low as it can possibly be.
    • 5) I want to have an overwhelmingly high stress level.
    • 4) I want to immerse myself in an environment of competition and mutual jealousy.
    • 3) I want to burn away any vestiges of creativity or independent thought that I might have left after sophomore year.
    • 2) I want to discover that all of the extra work I did to get the IB Diploma made absolutely no difference in my college admissions.
    • 1) I feel masochistic.

  • Getting By in the IB -
    • You manage to complete a semesters worth of homework the day before the term ends.
    • You finish your extended essay shortly after midnight. Your smile of satisfaction fades when you remember to start on your World Lit. paper.
    • You've sold your soul…to a teacher…for a C…for the 9 weeks…
    • You cloned yourself so you could sell your clones' souls to other teachers for Cs for the 9 weeks again (hey, there may be a profit to be made in this...)
    • Desperate to fill up your CAS hours, you claim watching a black and white movie as "creativity" and walking your dog as "activity", and your teacher approves it.
    • You have a special "test writing sweater" that you wore to all the IB exams.
    • Your idea of impure thoughts is whether or not to copy math homework.
    • You can count your last quiz grade on one hand.
    • You wonder if there's Cliff's Notes on the Calculus book.
    • You don't really cheat - you just tell people the answers.
    • Cheating became to difficult, so you took up telepathy.
    • You have a tab running at Books-A-Million.
    • Bn.com, amazon.com, and Books-A-Million offered to give you a free shipment/order each so you took full advantage of it and are now banned from those stores/sites (it took 6 semis to deliver the orders!)
    • You've consulted tarot cards for hints on a History test.
    • You have the library on speed dial.
    • You've framed the Honor Code.
    • You've developed an imprint of your book bag in your back.
    • Your best hope for most classes is either divine intervention or a strategically placed lightning bolt.
    • Your books weigh more than you do.
    • Your alternate thesis for the Extended Essay is why IB jokes/checklists are so prolific and the amount of fact contained within them.
    • You plead insanity on a research paper.
    • Your plea is accepted by your teacher.
    • You have a Cliff's Notes Preferred Customer Credit Card.
    • You exceed the limit on said credit card--on only Cliff's Notes!
    • You do your essays on the plane ride to school.
    • You can lead your way through a frog's intestines with your eyes closed.
    • You forgot about that pesky Extended Essay thing until the night before it was due.
    • You have to stop twice and get gas to make it all the way to school.
    • You've been out various times looking for the Abridged Cliff's Notes.
    • You consider giving up going to the bathroom permanently to give you more time to study.
    • Your backpack is only comfortable when it weighs >30 pounds.
    • You have convinced your parents the "1" you received on your IB Physics exam was really the "top 1% of all IB students worldwide".
    • You skip breakfast so you can get to school early to get in some extra cramming time to gain that "upper edge" on the rest of the class.
    • Your home becomes a "home away from home".
    • You think the meaning of life is: G = -RTlnK.
    • Your favorite equation is e(iπ)+1=0
    • Said equation comes up on a test.
    • You go insane from trying to work Pythagoras' constant and the golden rule into said equation.
    • You succeed in mathematically correctly adding above to said formula without changing number bases.
    • Pressed for time, you conclude a history essay with, "And they lived happily every after. Amen."
    • You get into a slugging match over priority for the library photocopier.
    • You copy old Theory of Knowledge essays so you can get an A in the Ethics unit.
    • You plagiarize from Cliff's Notes for the "What is Truth?" ToK paper.
    • It's essential to learn to live with occasional failures.
    • "What is the Bronsted Lowry Theory again?"
    • Can we say EXTRA CREDIT??
    • You actually worry about the 105% you have in math.
    • You find that you overreact when you get 2 points marked off on your homework.
    • You find that you spend more time sleeping in class than at home.
    • You get a job at Kinko's not for the paycheck, but because you're there 8 hours a day anyway!
    • You are 18 but can't drive.
    • You have 15 library cards each under a different alias.
    • Tests are no longer singular efforts!
    • The librarians know you so well that you don't even have to go to the front desk of the library to check the book out.
    • You've read most of the books in your library, and have a written report on over 3/4 of them!
    • You read all the books in the local public library, so you found a loophole that allowed you to check out books from the local university stacks.
    • Your list of excuses for not doing your homework is the length of Anna Karenina.
    • You exceed the 4200 word limit on the Extended Essay (by over 1000 words).
    • The simplest words you know are at least 10 letters long.
    • You ask what your summer reading assignment will be in October.
    • You come into school at 6:00am to do Biology and don't complain.
    • It takes more than one trip to carry the books you need between your car and your locker.
    • You carry around vocabulary flash cards to whip out in your free time.
    • You can list all 5 definitions on vocabulary tests.
    • The saying "When I graduate high school" has been replaced with "If I ever graduate."
    • When you are home sick, you can't help but wonder what work you're missing and what your homework is.
    • When you're watching TV, you feel guilty because not all of your homework is done.
    • You find yourself spelling words out on scantrons. You are deeply saddened when you can only find one letter of "IB SUCKS!"
    • You show up 4 hours late to an IB test and still manage to get a "5".
    • During a Chemistry test, instead of doing the work, you write a random answer program in your TI-82 and get the highest score in the class.
    • Your goal for the year is to complete every item on this checklist


Technology:

  • You have an internet connection on your calculator.
  • You have a TI-200 on layaway.
  • Your idea of great art is simultaneously graphing the sine, cosine and tangent graphs on your calculator.
  • You have functioning electrical appliances in your locker.
  • You've memorized the cracks in the stucco on the wall behind your computer monitor.
  • You can type 70 words per minute -- on a TI-89.
  • You devise a "pager code" and page your classmates all night with obscene messages.
  • You use the internet for research and not smut.
  • You have an autographed picture of Bill Gates in your bedroom.
  • Your TI-89 can now link with satellites so you can watch The Learning Channel at lunch.
  • You have more CD-ROMS than music CDs.
  • Your favorite TV program is Wild Discoveries on The Discovery Channel.
  • You have your TI-89 hooked up to your friends' so that you can "chat" during class.
  • You use your "chat" program to tell each other the answers during a test, and your teacher congratulates you for your "innovative thinking".
  • The only reason Texas Instruments hired you was because your bill was so big.
  • You became a hardware beta tester for TI.
  • You consult the RandInt( function on your TI-86 for answers on multiple-choice tests (including IB and AP exams).
  • You brag about how large your computer is.
  • You're shunned if you don't have a computer with at least 25 gigs.
  • You debate whether or not you can send a fax collect.
  • Your favorites on the pull down menu of your internet browser include: Barlett's Familiar Quotations, The Electric Library, The Discovery Channel online, The History Channel online, and the National Geographic homepage.
  • You consider your computer your best friend.
  • You see no point to programming in anything other than machine code and possibly assembly.
  • You write and run programs in your head while sleeping between classes and practicing chess moves on the tile floor en route.
  • You often wake up suddenly from this and start screaming out streams of ones and zeroes, then explain it away as either an assembly crash or an i/o error, as applicable.
  • You discuss the impossibility of the aliens' computers being Macintosh compatible in Independence Day.
  • You wish you could interface with the computer-generated reality of the Matrix.
  • You envy the Borg.
  • The Borg envy you.
  • You've gotten electronic copies of text books in TI-89 format.
  • Your TI-89 has made you stupid.
  • Your multiple T3 lines were too slow for last minute searches for your term papers, so you got a couple of OC-20 lines

Health:

  • You've replaced your Flintstones vitamins with speed.
  • Your bed hasn't been slept in since Bush was president.
  • Your best friend is Jack Daniels.
  • You actually believe "mental health days" are excused absences.
  • Brewing coffee takes too long, so you just eat the beans.
  • You slip prozac into your Powerade or Dr. Pepper.
  • You're afraid of sunlight since you haven't seen it in 3 years.
  • You get Advil at cost.
  • You get a full upper body workout putting your backpack on.
  • You skip breakfast so you can get to school early to get in some extra cramming time and gain that "upper edge" on the rest of the class.
  • Breakfast?! What's that?
  • The bags under your eyes are heavier than the ones carrying your textbooks.
  • You always seem to have one continuous headache.
  • You haven't seen light in so long you glow in the dark.
  • You find yourself thinking "Without stress my life would be empty."
  • You don't carry lunch money - You carry Vivarin, Powerade, and Dr. Pepper money.
  • Your contacts are so thick that you have trouble closing your eyes.
  • You have a permanent caffeine-and-sleep-deprivation high.
  • You actually BUY caffeinated water.
  • You can measure your daily caffeine consumption in gallons.
  • You can count the number of hours you sleep each week on one missing hand.
  • You've taught yourself how to take naps while walking to your next class.
  • You've used so much Vivarin, you learn to make it in Chemistry in order to save money.
  • You actually get used to waking up at 5:00 am.

  • To celebrate finishing your IB exams you decide to be really wild and go for coffee.
  • You hold "parties" to study.
  • You look forward to your parties.
  • Your fellow IBers look forward to your parties, attend them, and do actual studying there.
  • You envy the unabomber's social life.
  • Your pick-up lines include compliments on the quality of her (his) epidermis and the wonderful shape of her (his) occipital plate.
  • You have an element named after you.
  • Four words: "Wanna play some chess?"
  • Your peers know more about you than you do.
  • You really wear those IB T-shirts.
  • You forget your brother's name because you haven't seen him in three years.
  • Wait...what brother?
  • Your last mate was a "checkmate".
  • Every year you nominate yourself for Homecoming Royalty and wonder why you never win.
  • "Anybody wanna play some cards?"
  • You show school spirit at the pep assemblies.
  • You are usually dressed more formal than your teachers.
  • When on vacation, you visit other schools.
  • You have races with your friends to see who can say the entire periodic table of elements the fastest.
  • You'd go into severe spasms if you ever lost your IB herd.
  • "There's a MALL in this town?!?!"
  • You see your Extended Essay advisor more than you see your parents.
  • You'd feel bad about not having a social life if only you could remember what it was like to have one.
  • You think "social life" refers to life in Soviet Bloc nations during the Cold War
  • Language:

    • You talk in your sleep -- in Spanish.
    • The only words you ever say in Spanish class are "No sé."
    • The only French you know is "J'aime manger le poission."
    • You find all five errors so far in this section.
    • You resort to communicating with classmates through a series of clicks because languages take too long.
    • You love the "Macarena" not because it's a neat-o dance, but because you actually understand what those Spanish guys are saying.
    • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
    • You no longer speak English -- You speak a combination of English, German, Spanish, French, Portugese, Swedish, Dutch, Chinese, Russian, Norwegian, Hebrew, Arabic, Japanese, Korean, and Polish.
    • Fellow IBers understand and use the same combined language.
    • You convert it to 36-bit words converted to hexadecimal numbers to communicate as it is faster.
    • You write a text-to-speech program that uses this hexadecimal linguistic conglomerate.
    • You modify your text-to-speech program so that it also works as speech-to-text, and is eerily accurate.

    • Addenda:

    • You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
    • You scoff at others’ lowly TI-83s while you caress your TI-92+ with pride.
    • You debate physics during lunch…and you usually win.
    • You know the chemical composition of the ugly brown stains on the ceiling tiles.
    • Your calculators are an extension of your body.
    • You say, "I so accurately measured the momentum of my homework that it could be anywhere."
    • Your backpack has an imprint of your back in what little remains of the padding.
    • The "padded" straps on your backpack are padded everywhere except where your collarbones go.
    • You've set an Apple II and your TI in a race to see which one could count to infinity the fastest.
    • You took out the cheesy infinity code and substituted a Pi-calculating code.
    • Your TI won.
    • Better yet, you won, because you can name Pi to several hundred digits more than they could.
    • No, you definitely won, because you caught an error in both of the final results.
    • The Apple II was wrong by a larger amount.
    • You added a second motorola 68000 chip to your TI-89/92+ and overclocked them both to 50 MHz, which required rewriting all of the TIOS, but it was accomplished the entire task in 4 study breaks.
    • You add support for RPN and multiple VGA monitors during the modifications.
    • Then you run your modified TI-89/92+ up against a 486DX4-100 linux box and you still win, with your TI coming in a far second.
    • You feel guilty if you go more than a week without homework or some form of schooling.
    • After getting a "B" on your Chemistry test, you decide to take out your anger on some TWA plane.
    • You're sad, because you can only take four HL tests.
    • You hack the school’s network and duplicate your records so that you can take another three HLs, then merge the records together after you take your senior IB exams.
    • You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing you've said it before.
    • You're so frustrated with IB that you sent package bombs to random people's houses and framed some Ted guy. (hey! I’m a Ted!)
    • You carry a protractor in your back pocket. (naah…that’s what cargo pockets are for besides calculators…)
    • Timothy McVeigh is scared of you.
    • Q is scared of you.
    • Q feels inferior to your knowledge.
    • The Borg beg you to permit them to assimilate you.
    • You permit them to assimilate you, but only if you become part of Unimatrix Zero and the collective does not interfere with Unimatrix Zero ever again.
    • You actually think you have a shot at passing the physics HL exam.
    • Your Theory of Knowledge class has you seriously thinking if Hitler was justified in killing those 6 million Jews.
    • You make a date to do homework together and you actually do.
    • You derive formulas for fun. From first principles.
    • The offer of bonus marks for combed hair results in a dramatic improvement in your appearance.
    • You write your "What is Truth?" ToK paper entirely in Newspeak.
    • You post said paper on your web server, which crashes two minutes later from the Slashdot Effect, even though you built it to withstand multiple Slashdottings at once.
    We do not take credits for any of the above sentences.
    These have been taken from http://www.geocities.com/calcfreak901/ib_print.html
    We have acknowledged in order to prevent our jailing for plagiarism!

    1 comment:

    james said...

    Looks like i'm screwed for IB next year haha :D